whew.  >.>;  thought for a couple minutes there that I was going to have to take shelter in the lower level of the math building.  The only reason I decided it was okay is because I've been in a position before where a tornado went over and they actually had an alarm go off that I'd have been able to hear clearly tonight if there was reason to hide.

That rain though... jeez.  It was f*cking LOUD.  And the wind.  Poor Rara had to drive home in it.

Had another weird neurological (I guess? lol) thing happen last night. 

I've been pretty sedentary for the past few days, but last night had a little bit of activity thankfully.  Except that it made me really twitchy and jerky, which isn't altogether unusual for me...  I'll either rapidly (and somewhat uncontrollably) jerk my foot back and forth, or it's my hand, or sometimes both.  I just get this weird charged up feeling in the base of my skull/back of my neck, and it starts the twitching and jerking.  A lot of times I'll jerk my head back and forth too until the feeling of excess charge in a certain spot feels more dissipated.

The thing that was weird (er) that I've never had happen before, is that after about 30 seconds of the twitchyness, I just started crying, really hard, like mouth open sobbing tears streaming kind of crying.  I haven't been really depressed or emotional since last weekend, nothing has happened this week that might have built up to cause this...  I had a couple issues earlier in the week but had already reconciled them mentally.  This just... came out of the blue.  And I cried like that for a good three minutes and then just as suddenly, it stopped, and i felt back to normal again emotionally. 

e_e  If I could kick myself in the brain, I would.  lol.

( Questionable )
. 
Under the Redcoat at Colonial Williamsburg is just a damn cool event, as always and despite the heat.

( The Good )

The past couple of weeks I have been waking up at 5:05 sharp without an alarm.  My mother would think I must be horribly ill LOL.  I went to sleep at midnight thirty feeling unable to sleep despite trying and then same as usual my eyes just shoot open after five.  Now why can't I always do that??  (cept maybe at a more reasonable time, like seven... or eight...  >.o ))

...that you still hurt.   (Replaced "him" with "her" below)

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss her in the weeping of the rain;
I want her at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,-so with her memory they brim.
And entering with releif some quiet place
Where never fell her foot or shone her face
I say, "There is no memory of her here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering her.

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

And before you say, oh pooh pooh a little old spider won't hurt you... I am NO spider phobe, I am the person who makes sure to catch it and take it somewhere safe.  But HOLY Dammit Christmas I have never seen a spider like this one...  ((Clicking on the pictures gives you a larger view))



This is Wolfgang.  (You will notice that we DID get him outside lmao *shudder*)  Apparently, he is a Wolf Spider, and the spiders that I used to think were Wolf Spiders are actually a non-poisonous Funnel Web Grass Spider.



Wolfgang is a Big Boy.  According to the web site I looked him up on: 

"the bite of the Wolf Spider is poisonous but not lethal. Although non-aggressive, they bite freely if provoked and should be considered dangerous to humans."  LOL though Chris didn't get bitten, I think Wolfgang found that a strange man joining him in the shower was somewhat provoking.



I was still in bed and half asleep and I heard the sliding door in the shower slam around REALLY loudly lol...  I'm just glad that Chris didn't slip and hurt himself on accident upon seeing Wolfgang bathing.  He stuck his head out of the bathroom and said put your glasses on and come see this (Chris, not the spider).... And then made me corral the spider in a tin with a lid so we could take him outside when Chris was ready to leave lol.

The bricks in the other pictures are actually a border to a little garden in front of the apartment... so hopefully the spider likes it better there than in our shower on the third floor.  (??? how the hell did he get up here??? )  Surprisingly, the spider didn't seem to think I was a threat, and it stayed out on the brick for a while in the sun trying to dry off...  I watched him delicately curl each leg under him and start (I can only assume here LOL) licking them off to help them dry.  I guess spiders don't have tongues, so he was more wiping with his ...rather threateningly large thingies...  But it was cool to watch.   XD   The End, Wolfgang FTW

I win I win I win.

Until I lose  ...   >.> 

I just got a great grade (unofficial but also undoubtedly) on my first Abnormal Psych test of the semester, not to mention I love my new school, commute and all.  Not that the commute is like... riveting or something but it's not nearly as bad or as long as I'd imagined it would be.  ((We'll see how long that idea lasts lolol, freaking beach traffic is going to be the bane of my existence, damn tourists clogging up all the roadways with their non-driving skillz   XP  ))

Aside from that....  Today I just.  Woke up.

It's nice to finally remember what it feels like to FEEL.  And not only that but to feel good.  I know it won't last, but the amount of laughing and smiling and general friendliness that I have just spontaneously been able to experience today has been worth it.  I'm no longer an expressionless, emotionless, empty, boring, meat-bag.  I sang all the way home in my car and I knew all the answers and my brain feels like it's just gotten a long-needed oil-change.  I have a personality again.  I'm back.  It's been what might have been more than a year, but I'm back. 

I don't know for how long, for how much, and to what cost.  But I'll take it.

            On Wednesday morning, I have an appointment with my new advisor over at UMBC.  He's going to help me sign up for my first classes there (Prolly taking some BIO and PSYCH classes for the summer semester) and he's going to help me switch to my official major.  They call the major "Interdisciplinary Studies" and I have high hopes for it.  You basically find two advisors and they help you design your own major.  Internships are available, research opportunites, and a large project (almost like an undergrad thesis kind of thing) for you last year is required.  I'm still trying to decide if I want my major to be "Neuroscience" or some kind of "Bioengineering" with a minor in math.  I've been leaning heavily toward Neuroscience (which would basically be a specific blending of upper level psychology and biology classes).  There's great school in the area that offer some kind of Neurological grad program, and I feel really lucky that by coincidence this is where I ended up.

I'm terrified.  Excited but terrified.  I know very well that my dreams of getting through this and then into a PhD program are lofty, and I know that it's highly possible that my mood/psych issues will effect all of this.  I just have to keep reminding myself that standing still is as good as dying for me.  Sometimes I wish I could see the future.  Sometimes I wish I could just be ok all the time.  If wishes were horses I'd have been the happiest little girl in Texas LOL.

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Prowling through the freeway, clutching a jeweled meat hammer, cometh Lindsay! And she gives a spectacular howl: "Vengeance and goo flow from my veins! I hereby void your warranty, and send you back to God!!!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

jeweled meat hammer, how perfect!

Just having a mental splurge here and needed to write it down or go nuts... you know those kinda nights.  I'm in a fairly dark mood actually so I'm trying not to like.  Write anything bad. :P

My birthday dinner with Chris on the Friday before my birthday was amazing.  This place, The Wild Orchid, has got some top-notch freaking food.  It's like... gourmet, but not in a way that makes you look at it and go WTF is that??  And I like that it is actually in a building that used to be a little house in Annapolis, and it's all cozy with a fireplace and nice without being like... snotty.  Problem is that it's expensive, so we've only ever been for my birthday or a special occasion. 

This last time that we went, we got a -great- wine recommendation, because I said hell with it I'll do a little drinking this once, it goes with the food.  We started wine with the salad and the bread with some kind of herbal butter and then had polished it off by the time we were done with the soup.  ...And then decided what the hell, we'll get another to go with our dinner, since by that time we were both slightly toasted and at that point you never think anything could really hurt lol.  I felt all goofy by the time we left but I didn't think it was -that- bad... i'd just had a mocha creme-brulee and a plateful of braised lamb etc, and thought it was just good food vibes or something.

It's been so long since I've drunk like that, I had totally forgotten how it takes awhile for it to really catch up to you.  I was a freaking idiot by the time we got home, and about fifteen minutes later I got to that point where it feels like the room is on a really bad roller coaster, and I ended up puking five or six times into the toilet.  So I had a very nice, very expensive birthday dinner which I then promptly went home and yakked up into the toilet.  le.  sigh.  Kinda seems like the story of my life doesn't it? lolol

I was looking back at a couple of posts I've hidden out of shame, that I've posted in bleaker times, questioning all the decisions I've made and my ability to ever finish anything I've started. 

I understand that right now I feel motivated, don't need much sleep, think that I can tirelessly shoulder everything and sprint through to the end.  It won't last, and there's no logical sense in denying that.  They gave me the diagnosis of bipolar back in high school for a reason, and I've since read firsthand accounts and research accounts on bipolar children and realize many things about myself that I thought had pointed in other directions in my case, but obviously don't.  No sense in denying it anymore, it just prolongs the bullshit that I could be working on sorting out.

It doesn't matter what it's called anyways, though it's nice to understand.  I've been lots of things, my entire life, but particularly bad since high school.  I've been paranoid, felt that every eye was always on me, that eyes I couldn't see were on me, and judging harshly and maybe planning things against me.  Every change in every person's expression heralded something angry or snotty in my direction, every group of people laughing off to the side was laughing nastily at me.  I've been angrier than any single person should ever feel for no reason or -any- reason, angry to the point that I'm afraid I lost a grip on reality for awhile a couple years ago.  So angry that I've wanted to do serious damage to someone sometimes, and don't know why I didn't.  I've been so depressed that I thought I might just die from the feeling of it, so depressed that even if I had thought to kill myself, the act of actually trying seemed far too tiring to bother with.  I've been so high and happy that I thought if I jumped down three flights of stairs, I would land safely and lightly at the bottom.  I talked so fast that no one could understand me, felt that if I leapt out of the vehicle I was riding in that I could run alongside it and outrun it.  Truly KNEW that I could do it, and I'm not sure what actually has stopped me all those times... something in there stayed logical somehow.  And I would become enraged or depressed again as I started to sense people's bewilderment, or them telling me to calm down a little, or maybe just being startled by something...or maybe for no reason.  It's a strange feeling, that switch.  It's not like when you're in a good mood and your stomach suddenly drops as you realize something bad is happening.  It's like jumping off the Empire State Building and leaving your mark on the sidewalk.  I've learned a lot in the past year about recognizing which emotions are real, and which don't make any kind of sense and lend themselves to that sudden sour twist in my gut.

So what, really, is the point in allowing myself to dream of bigger things, things that will take work and time and sweat and blood?

The point is this:  to have a point.  It doesn't matter if it changes the world, or somebody's life, or is only for you.  I've witnessed firsthand how much withdrawing and giving up impacts ...everything.  I understand with painful clarity that even on the good days, the things I've set for myself to do are going to take so much effort and struggle.  And I'm going to be kicking myself and bitching when I crash again. 

Some very prominent people made their mark on the world after making wildly enthusiastic goals for themselves, that in times of more normal mood or health or circumstance they would have possibly not even come up with. 

So I didn't even start writing my six-seven page research paper this weekend, which was due at 8 am sharpish this morning.  I have felt lately like I am losing my mind again and have no idea why.  I was too depressed, I could barely get myself out of bed and to class on time last week much less write a paper about gruesome deaths and psychologically destroyed soldiers.  I resigned that I would turn it in a day late and consequently receive one letter-grade less than I actually scored.  (The teacher said out right, if you fail this paper, there is no way to pass the class.  None.)

CLASS WAS FUCKING CANCELED THIS MORNING. 

I DON'T CARE that I wasted all that gas getting to school and then turning straight around.  I have an entire day to sit and write and polish and refine. I NEVER get a  break like this, NEVER.  I am lucky enough that my last two papers were A's and they were basically first drafts, but I had planned on spending a lot more time with this and now I have the chance.

Not to mention that while yesterday Chris was on a cleaning streak, so we sat and went through stacks of papers and books and shit that had been accumulating on our dining table....  which turned out to give me a panic attack because it just drove home how much fucking money I still owe to people lol, I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry a few times...... BUT, going through old cards and things I ended up finding much-needed money.  A $150 money order from my dad from two years ago, and a fifty-dollar bill from the Chungs in a card they had given me when I was basically going loopy.  Still not enough for me to even be close to my portion of the rent, but much more than it would have been otherwise.  I can be happy about it today lol.  WOO.

Coyote Face- at a recent reenactment market event where a furrier was selling um... actual coyote faces.

Rinzee- working at a Korean Dry Cleaners

Stretch- heh. ...I'm tall?

Figgy- ....this one still remains a mystery to even me.

Tony- ...the alternates in marching band. ..we had the alternate-mafia. Capische?

DeeDee-  I almost forgot this one.  I almost ended up as a permanent Dee Dee because my lil'brother couldn't get my name out.

Nay Nay-  my middle name is renee'.  *shrug*

I gotta say it's pretty wicked to be standing outside by the pond at our apartment, looking out towards the bay bridge and seeing this dark ...THING go zipping by.... and then seconds later the sound of it finally hits you. Poor kitties are still freaking out even though they already witnessed the same thing yester- holy crap the windows are rattling.

---------------------------------------------

I went outside to watch and snapped a couple of photos as they flew over, and caught a video of them in formation trailing smoke... which I hope you can actually see them in lol. They are hard as hell to catch even without a camera (if you're following the sound), as they go by they are silent lol.

But aside of all that, today is Commissioning Day, which means the Naval Academy will be cranking out it's new batch of Midshipmen (and women lol). I was -going- to go to work, but I called in and got word that downtown is literally a circus right now. I only work like three blocks from the Academy itself, so I think I would have had to park on the sidewalk or something anyways.

It amazes me though... um.. what's "it"?.. ...I guess I'd have to say that I am still childishly in awe living in places that have big things going on. DC was amazing, though I hated being stuck in traffic because of peace marches or something... But it was still amazing. (( i wouldn't call the whole sniper incident amazing, but its -still- something big going on)).

Today they've shut down the "Nasal" Academy bridge so that people can park their cars up the road for literally miles and all congregate on the bridge to watch the Angels fly over. Having been stuck on a bridge full of people milling around before, when I was on Boston on the fourth of July, I had to uh... pass. I'd like to see the Angels closer but after awhile on a bridge like that I start to feel panicky. I guess there's just nowhere to go in the crowd if something happens. Nowhere but DOWN anyways.

My Personality

Neuroticism	65
Extraversion	6
Openness to Experience	55
Agreeableness	23
Conscientiousness	33

You don't usually get angry too easily but some things can annoy you, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. You are mostly a compassionate person, however you prefer to make objective judgments when possible, however you do not particularly like helping other people. Requests for help feel like an imposition on your time. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. Survey Software

Just wanted to see how different it turned out now, like more than a month later.

Gaaaaah took my calculus final today, I think I got an A but I'm not positive. Most likely I have a solid B average for the class, which is fair seeing as how at the beginning of the semester I wasn't really applying myself, like a dumbass.

My Personality

Neuroticism	65
Extraversion	2
Openness to Experience	77
Agreeableness	66
Conscientiousness	26

You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry, however you experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. You see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you, however you mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Personality Report. The best Ugg Boots.

My Stress Management

Functional Management	42
Emotional Management	49
Disengagement	23
Internalization	52

You have low active coping skills, however you have medium restraint skills. You have low use of emotional social support skills. You have low substance use skills. You have high humor skills.

Take a Personality Test now or view the full Stress Management Report. The best Ugg Boots.

pretty much all right, yeah. and yay for high humor skillz

LOL oh shit:



Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

but I'm also a:


Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

(and was a lupin infp as a child lol)

....So basically I'm a quidditch playing evil maniac with ambitions of world peace as long as it's under my iron rule. >:F mwahahahahaha I like it

So Chris and I had another anniversary yesterday on the seventh.  This is the start of year seven for us, and we celebrated by devouring large hunks of partially cooked meat and splitting a huge ass piece of chocolate cake with chocolate syrup and ice cream and whipped cream on top.  ....And then we crashed at like ten thirty.  ^^;;;;  I'm really a party pooper, it's pretty pathetic.

BUT this morning we finished out what we'd been going to do last night, by watching Thirty Days of Night which was about a town as far north in Alaska as you can get that is plunged into darkness every winter and vampires finally got smart enough to take a trip to the Great White North so that they don't have to worry about spontaneously combusting on their lounge chairs at the beach.  It was bloody and amusing...and then I had to go to work, which was neither.  And now I'm sitting here not doing calculus OR chemistry but you know what, BLAHAHAAAAH I'm tired so nyah. 

People always made shit up about Washington to make it seem like he kicked way more ass than he did. They might as well make it really entertaining and bizarre shit.

I went to look for a YouTube version of the prosthetic eye thing and this Fruits Basket video quite randomly just showed up and I laughed my ass off..........



AHHHHH XD MANS*glomp*